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| The Kraken appealing viciously for an LBW |
Everyone loves hating selectors
and somehow also love to pick their own XI's. There is a certain appeal inherent
in creating fantasy playing sides that could never play together due to a
number of reasons, mostly dealing with the inflexibility of time and space
(what a party pooper that concept of Physics is). But here is a side which is
made up of members who completely refuse to bow down to Physics and shall aid
in helping to let the Universe find its true reason for existence, i.e. Test
cricket.
So here is a complete side, ready
to put on their caps and stroll out onto the village green to conquer, enslave
and emancipate the audience. They come from a variety of backgrounds and thus
it is important to not only give them a batting position, but also tell them
their role within the team. Hopefully, they don't just all kill each other, and
we should be winning the 2017 Test Championship with this lot.
No.1 Leonard Shelby (Opening
Batsman/ bowler (if you tell him he can))
As an opening bat, it is often
important to forget about the previous ball, as Virender Sehwag can attest to,
and no one forgets the previous ball better than Leonard Shelby. A true see
ball, hit ball, in any case forget ball type player, he can provide the type of
direction in the innings that is crucial to any Test Match and will certainly
add to the thrilling narrative that is Test cricket. He can sometimes appear
clueless while running between the wickets but being the unselfish team player
that he is, he often plays with no scoreboard pressure and does not celebrate
personal milestones, almost as if he doesn't know his own score and will also
bowl if you tell him he can. A great talent, if he shows up for the match.
No.2 Dexter Morgan (Opening
Batsman)
A classical batsman with a great
eye and favouring the off-side with his patented cuts, slices and slashes,
Morgan provides a great contrast to his opening partner. Scheming ways and
means to dissect the bowler, Morgan plays with the long game in mind and can
sometimes be the cause of madness for those close to him due to his almost
Boycott like nature. A natural cricketer in every way, he has even acquired the
superstition attached with the sport, saying that he has a sliver of wood from
the stumps of every game he has ever played in a box at his home.
No.3 Oskar Schindler (Batsman)
Though born in a non-cricketing
country, Mr. Schindler certainly knows a thing or two about nurdling and
noodling singles through gaps in the field. Being an accumulator has served him
well and he is well respected in the non-cricketing world which lends him some
much needed stature for a role as important as no.3 in the line-up. Another
competitor who was considered highly for this role was Andy Dufresne, but his
criminal record means he might not be allowed to travel with the team at all
times and seriously, who needs all that paperwork?
No.4 Sachin Tendulkar (Omnipotent
deity)
Because there can only be one
no.4 in any line-up made by me at any given point of time.
No.5 Leonidas (Batsman/Captain)
A true leader of men who organised men through military discipline, he is a shrewd tactician and can get
his team members to pull in the same direction. Being renowned for his
defensive technique, he often sees himself as the last line of resistance in
any batting line-up and will not give up ground to the bowlers without a fight.
Having gained notoriety for defending low scores with few bowling resources
with his local team, he will surely enjoy the considerable bowling wealth of
this team, though the lack of discipline in this line-up may infuriate him. He
has been a part of many successful campaigns in the past, but I think the
defeat in the quadrennial Greece Vs. Persia tournament of sudden and excruciating
death, where his side were defeated within 3 days by a much stronger Persian
line-up, may be the exact thing that he needs to spur him on to success with
this squad.
No.6 Mario (All-rounder)
A true utility man if you ever
met one. Having competed in everything from F-1 to Baseball to Golf to stone
cold murdering of animals in an almost psychopathic manner that has certainly
destroyed the natural balance of all areas that he has ever been to, Mario has
done it all. And now he turns his sight to what could be his biggest triumph,
being a part of this squad. The Italian plumber turned controversial sex symbol
can bat, bowl and field while riding Yoshi and is an important member who adds
maturity, balance, stability and moustachioed magnificence to this side.
No.7 The Kraken (Leg-Spin,
Off-Spin, SLA, Chinaman)
Mystery spinner from the bottom
of the ocean, the Kraken has proved to be a divisive figure in the ICC. He can
bowl leg spin, off-spin, Chinaman or slow left arm based on which tentacle the
ball is placed in. Due to being born with excessively flexible limbs, he can
often let his tentacles bend more than the prescribed 15 degrees while bowling
the wrong-un off his 3rd, 4th, and 6th tentacles. His enormous girth has often
drawn comparison to the likes of Shane Warne for being a roly-poly spinner leading
him to develop a taste for sexting on at least 4 phones simultaneously and
human flesh.
Though some might denigrate him for being a showman (he does not come to the bowling crease until his Captain yells,' Summon... THE KRAKEN!', followed by thunder), he certainly seems capable of enjoying a long career due to him being nearly immortal. All in all, a must have spinner for almost all conditions.
Though some might denigrate him for being a showman (he does not come to the bowling crease until his Captain yells,' Summon... THE KRAKEN!', followed by thunder), he certainly seems capable of enjoying a long career due to him being nearly immortal. All in all, a must have spinner for almost all conditions.
No.8 Zeus (Fast Bowler)
Known as Bolty, Zeus has been
claimed as the next generation Jeff Thomson. Able to deliver thunderbolts from
a high release, he consistently gets under the batsmen or curses them to be
eaten out by a bird daily for the rest of eternity... a pretty good party
trick, if you ask me. He has been known to perform better when served with a diet of mindless worship and reverence, though this diet has still not been cleared by WADA.
Though temperamental, he brings back some of the classic
staples of cricket, such as the beard of WG Grace and the class superiority of a 19th century
British lord who thinks the proletariat classes should be happy with their lot
in life and just be happy that they are being allowed to serve the Gods. Truly,
a classical at heart.
No. 9 The Flash (Fast Bowler)
Probably the fastest bowler in
the side, Flash, otherwise referred to by his mates as James May, has been
known to skittle out sides quite cheaply in domestic cricket. Not only has his
skiddy bowling action seen the back of many a batsman, his fielding in the
outfield has saved countless runs for his side, though sometimes he moves so
fast that his hand phases through the ball, something he has been working on
tirelessly in practice. His speed does mean he can bowl a rather heavy ball and
this means he can be a crucial bowler in the death overs. If things don't work
well, he can always tear through time and space and try again.
No.10 Forrest Gump (Right Arm
Medium-Fast)
A man known for his athletic
achievements across the spectrum of the sports world, be it American Football
or Ping Pong or The Vietnam War, Mr. Gump has done things most others can only
dream of. Coming out of his sporting retirement for a last crack at sporting
excellence, Mr. Gump can no longer hide his admiration for the greatest sport
in the universe and has taken to cricket in a bowling capacity. Capable of a
military medium, Gump is a large hearted bowler who will run in all day as per
the wishes of his Captain with near metronomic accuracy. Some may call him
unable to think a batsman out, but after the serious pace of Bolty and James
May, Gump may provide the perfect foil as the medium-pacer to help maintain
control of proceedings as well as lend a sense of discipline to the rest of
this side of super-egos.
No.11 Spiderman (Wicketkeeper)
A true old-style keeper, picked
on his keeping ability and nothing else, Spiderman may be the only glover able
to keep to the bowlers of this team. Behind the stumps, he is agile and his
uncanny ability to make catches stick mark him out from the other hopefuls for
this spot. However he is not without controversy as his webbing is often larger
than ICC regulations allow for which has caused much furore across the world.
His use of artificial webs as well as the use of symbiotes have also been the
matter of much debate as lawmakers continue to argue whether they should be
considered as performance enhancers. But until they can legislate clearly on
that issue, he will continue to be a member of this team.
No.12 Stone Cold Steve Austin (Drinks
Man)
A man with a passion for his
drink, he is widely touted to be the one to finally break David Boon's record
of 55 cans of lager in flight from Australia to England. He often brings enough
liquid encouragement to cheer up the lads and his wicket celebrations are the
stuff of legend. Some may call him unhealthy for the team atmosphere as he has
been known to give his teammates a drink and then stun them after consumption
of said drink, but I say let the boys be boys and have a bit of fun at the
physical expense of others.
Right, let the global domination
begin.
